Life-Changing

FOOD

Breakfast was probably the best almost-empty jar of nut butter experience of my life:

Wanning White Chocolate pb jar layered with vanilla coconut milk yogurt, flaxseed, chia seeds, pumpkin (I think this is what took it over the top), cereal, and mini vegan chocolate chips. PIAJ (Parfait In A Jar) anyone? Mix it all up and scrape, scrape, scrape the sides. This beats any OIAJ I’ve ever had. I know what I’m going to do with my next almost-empty jar!

Too bad I just opened a new jar yesterday, so it’ll probably be awhile until that happens. Especially since neither of the 2 nut butter jars I have on hand are anywhere near my love of White Chocolate Wonderful pb.

Since it was still pretty warm come lunch time, I had another nice and cold GM. Thank goodness for smoothies on a hot day. No picture because I was just so famished from shopping and being out around town. But, really, once you’ve seen one GM you’ve seen them all. Alongside the rest of my Liz Lovely cookie.

Dinner was the only thing that sounded good at the time. I very rarely eat frozen meals anymore, and only ever have them on hand if they were on sale when I went to the store. An Amy’s Indian Spinach and Tofu wrap.

I think that it’s best that I stay away from the pre-packaged foods because pretty soon after my stomach wasn’t all too happy with me. Ugh.

I was a complete granola monster later on. Seriously, I think I’m going to give birth to a granola baby in the next day or two. I think I will name him (yes, it is a boy) Bertrand.

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LIFE

Busy, busy, busy day from the moment I woke up.

I had my long run, which is enough of a time commitment as it is, but then add in that I went to go see Chicago (the musical, one of my favorites) with my mother. This show was in the middle of the day, so it was impossible to plan much of anything since the day had to be broken up into “before” and “after” the show. I was rushing right up until the time that we left for the musical. Then we still had errands to run afterwards.

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Okay, this next bit is really, really big… and scary. I’ve decided that I’m going to stop recording my calories for the next week. This includes measuring my food outside of what is normally needed (e.g. for recipes). I’ll be honest with you guys, I will still weigh myself every day. That’s a part of my ED that has still stuck with me all of this time. I just have to weigh myself every morning before I eat breakfast or else I don’t have peace of mind for the entire day. Even if the number isn’t what I want to see, just knowing what it is allows me to think about other things. I think that stopping the recording of calories is a better step to take toward my recovery right now than not weighing myself and I definitely can’t take taking every ED habit I have away at once. Going cold turkey doesn’t work with me.

I can’t change one ED habit without first conquering another. I need to take this in steps and this is the one that I’m choosing first. It really does take up a good chunk of time and I’ve found that the number/amount really doesn’t indicate that much. I had been told by my nutritionist that “a calorie is a calorie is a calorie” and it doesn’t matter where it comes from. While I believe this to some extent, there’s a part of me that just doesn’t think that the human body reacts in the same way to a calorie coming from an apple and a calorie coming from a cookie. Not to say that one is better or worse for you from the other, I just don’t think that it’s a 1:1 trade-off between the two.

I know that I need to start letting my body tell me if it has had enough calories, rather than the number that I calculate. While I don’t deprive myself now, I still get anxious near the end of the day when I see my day’s total reach the limit that I set for myself. Read: The number that I set. It’s completely arbitrary, but I “had” to set a limit in my ED-infused brain. And while I’ve raised that number substantially since I began running, and was working my way up before then as well, and in the logical part of my brain I know that the number needs to continue increasing if I’m going to gain weight and continue training at the same time.

For those of you out there who are thinking “Why doesn’t she just see a nutritionist?” Well, not all of us can afford to go to one. If it’s not covered by my insurance, the bottom line is, I can’t go. Plus, give my previous experiences with nutritionists, I don’t think I’d even listen to them to be honest. Plus, when you’re trying to get away from focusing on having a certain amount of calories, you probably don’t want to be going to someone who is going to make you follow a meal plan. Meal planning didn’t work for me before, so I don’t think that they are going to work now.

You may disagree, and that’s fine, but I need to do this recovery my way this time around. I’m not happy anymore with my counselor or my psychiatrist, but I don’t have a choice as to what professionals I see (parents’ insurances and all that). I have a few resources at my disposal, both as a student of the university and a student in the Dietetics program, and I think that it’s at least enough to get me started. I have so much more knowledge than I did when I was 13.

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FITNESS

Mile 1: 9:06
Mile 2: 8:45
Mile 3: 8:32
Mile 4: 8:33
Mile 5: 8:36
Mile 6: 8:32
Mile 7: 8:23
Mile 8: 8:39
Mile 9: 8:04
Total: 1:17:14

This run was amazing! This was my longest run to date and my first time running in rainyish conditions. This was also my first time eating gels as I ran, whereas I usually stop for a few seconds. I stowed them in my shorts’ pocket and bra.

I even got faster throughout it (more or less). The only reason that Mile 8 was slower was because I had to go over this metal overpass and I was really scared about slipping and hurting myself, so I essentially fast walked instead. The first 5 miles flew by and I am so so so proud of this run. I didn’t even mind the wet feet and mud on my legs. I was too busy smiling 🙂 .

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What is your favorite musical? – I would have to say a tie between Chicago and Wicked, although Fiddler On the Roof will always have a place in my heart as well.

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14 thoughts on “Life-Changing

    • I will definitely be asking for help and support when I need it this time around. What I’m worried about, first and foremost, is that I won’t be getting enough to eat to fuel my workouts and that will make my training suffer. Luckily I’m doing this now and not closer to my race, right?

      How are you always so fast!? Haha, I swear, every blog I go to you’re always one of the first to comment.

      YOU GET THE NINJA STEALTH COMMENTER AWARD!

  1. You go! I’m rooting for you!

    Here’s the bottom line: You are brave and this just one more step that you can (and will) take. 🙂 You’re on the right path so don’t stop moving forward and being a light to everyone.

    Your honesty with this issue is so important. You have no way of knowing who might read your blog and think “I can do this”. You’re a heroine!

    • It’s easy for me to be honest when I don’t really personally know any of the people who read my blog. It’s facing the people that I see and interact with every day that I still haven’t been able to admit a lot of my current struggles with. Pretty much the only person I’ve told that I’ve been struggling again has been going through the same thing too.

      “Honesty is the best policy.” And all that jazz.

  2. Hooray for not counting calories but you have to remember that the trade off for that could be not eating enough. I fell into that trap and when I don’t count calories I end up eating less that I’m suppose to.

    I stopped weighing myself and I feel great, I know it’s hard but it’s the only way that I’ll allow myself to gain weight. If I look good in the mirror then I’ll be fine but seeing the numbers go high freak me out lol It’s just something that stuck with me. 😦

  3. I can’t afford to see a nutritionist either or a therapist so I know where you are at.
    Good luck with not counting calories. I stopped measuring PB and counting calories a while ago. But I just found out my body fat % is still too low so now I have to go back to guestimating. It’s very freeing not to worry about it. Make sure you get everything in that you need!
    xoxo

    • It’s situations like that that make me really dislike our healthcare system. Insurance companies still don’t see eating disorders as something that needs attention, which is why they don’t cover treatment programs. My parents had to pay completely out-of-pocket for me to go through treatment the first time and there’s no way that we can afford to do that again.

  4. As soon as I saw that jar of OIAJ, I drooled….and then I read that it has vanilla coconut milk yogurt in it….I drooled again. So good!!! I bet it was yummy 🙂 Good for you for taking steps towards continued recovery. I’ve lost 110 pounds because I needed to (I was obese) and it’s so hard even for me not to get on the scale every morning. It’s scary to learn to trust your body when you put so much power in something like a number on the scale. So I understand that fear. One step at a time – that’s the right approach. 🙂 My fave musical is easily Wicked. I just love the music!!! But I did see Beauty and the Beast in Toronto and it was phenomenal – the set was amazing!

  5. I remember being in a session with a counselor before college and it was something she said that pissed me off and I quit writing down my food intake cold turkey right after that session. I would still do mental counts, and it took a while after that to stop doing that in my head, but not having to weigh out every portion of fruit/vegetable/other that went into my body and not having to write everything down was such a HUGE load off of my shoulders. I wish you the best of luck in overcoming this step and we are here for you if and when you need us. I have faith that you can get over this and then begin working on something new in the future. 🙂

  6. Congrats on making the first step in the right direction! Stopping counting calories was really hard (especially the mental counting), so I wish you the best of luck and you can totally do this:) I don’t weigh myself anymore because I’m honestly scared with what I would see. Its sad that the scale can still control me in that way, but at least if I don’t know, I’ll eat. I feel like I would slip back into old habits if I started to weigh myself again. One day I want to be able to step on the scale and just be okay with the number. Not happy, not sad, I just want to have no emotion connected to the number at all.

    p.s. ahhhhhmmmmaaaazzzing run:)

  7. Not counting calories is a great step. You’ll notice a substantial difference when you stop listening to your mind and start listening to your body.

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