Breakfast was probably the best almost-empty jar of nut butter experience of my life:
Wanning White Chocolate pb jar layered with vanilla coconut milk yogurt, flaxseed, chia seeds, pumpkin (I think this is what took it over the top), cereal, and mini vegan chocolate chips. PIAJ (Parfait In A Jar) anyone? Mix it all up and scrape, scrape, scrape the sides. This beats any OIAJ I’ve ever had. I know what I’m going to do with my next almost-empty jar!
Too bad I just opened a new jar yesterday, so it’ll probably be awhile until that happens. Especially since neither of the 2 nut butter jars I have on hand are anywhere near my love of White Chocolate Wonderful pb.
Since it was still pretty warm come lunch time, I had another nice and cold GM. Thank goodness for smoothies on a hot day. No picture because I was just so famished from shopping and being out around town. But, really, once you’ve seen one GM you’ve seen them all. Alongside the rest of my Liz Lovely cookie.
Dinner was the only thing that sounded good at the time. I very rarely eat frozen meals anymore, and only ever have them on hand if they were on sale when I went to the store. An Amy’s Indian Spinach and Tofu wrap.
I think that it’s best that I stay away from the pre-packaged foods because pretty soon after my stomach wasn’t all too happy with me. Ugh.
I was a complete granola monster later on. Seriously, I think I’m going to give birth to a granola baby in the next day or two. I think I will name him (yes, it is a boy) Bertrand.
Busy, busy, busy day from the moment I woke up.
I had my long run, which is enough of a time commitment as it is, but then add in that I went to go see Chicago (the musical, one of my favorites) with my mother. This show was in the middle of the day, so it was impossible to plan much of anything since the day had to be broken up into “before” and “after” the show. I was rushing right up until the time that we left for the musical. Then we still had errands to run afterwards.
Okay, this next bit is really, really big… and scary. I’ve decided that I’m going to stop recording my calories for the next week. This includes measuring my food outside of what is normally needed (e.g. for recipes). I’ll be honest with you guys, I will still weigh myself every day. That’s a part of my ED that has still stuck with me all of this time. I just have to weigh myself every morning before I eat breakfast or else I don’t have peace of mind for the entire day. Even if the number isn’t what I want to see, just knowing what it is allows me to think about other things. I think that stopping the recording of calories is a better step to take toward my recovery right now than not weighing myself and I definitely can’t take taking every ED habit I have away at once. Going cold turkey doesn’t work with me.
I can’t change one ED habit without first conquering another. I need to take this in steps and this is the one that I’m choosing first. It really does take up a good chunk of time and I’ve found that the number/amount really doesn’t indicate that much. I had been told by my nutritionist that “a calorie is a calorie is a calorie” and it doesn’t matter where it comes from. While I believe this to some extent, there’s a part of me that just doesn’t think that the human body reacts in the same way to a calorie coming from an apple and a calorie coming from a cookie. Not to say that one is better or worse for you from the other, I just don’t think that it’s a 1:1 trade-off between the two.
I know that I need to start letting my body tell me if it has had enough calories, rather than the number that I calculate. While I don’t deprive myself now, I still get anxious near the end of the day when I see my day’s total reach the limit that I set for myself. Read: The number that I set. It’s completely arbitrary, but I “had” to set a limit in my ED-infused brain. And while I’ve raised that number substantially since I began running, and was working my way up before then as well, and in the logical part of my brain I know that the number needs to continue increasing if I’m going to gain weight and continue training at the same time.
For those of you out there who are thinking “Why doesn’t she just see a nutritionist?” Well, not all of us can afford to go to one. If it’s not covered by my insurance, the bottom line is, I can’t go. Plus, give my previous experiences with nutritionists, I don’t think I’d even listen to them to be honest. Plus, when you’re trying to get away from focusing on having a certain amount of calories, you probably don’t want to be going to someone who is going to make you follow a meal plan. Meal planning didn’t work for me before, so I don’t think that they are going to work now.
You may disagree, and that’s fine, but I need to do this recovery my way this time around. I’m not happy anymore with my counselor or my psychiatrist, but I don’t have a choice as to what professionals I see (parents’ insurances and all that). I have a few resources at my disposal, both as a student of the university and a student in the Dietetics program, and I think that it’s at least enough to get me started. I have so much more knowledge than I did when I was 13.
Mile 1: 9:06
Mile 2: 8:45
Mile 3: 8:32
Mile 4: 8:33
Mile 5: 8:36
Mile 6: 8:32
Mile 7: 8:23
Mile 8: 8:39
Mile 9: 8:04
This run was amazing! This was my longest run to date and my first time running in rainyish conditions. This was also my first time eating gels as I ran, whereas I usually stop for a few seconds. I stowed them in my shorts’ pocket and bra.
I even got faster throughout it (more or less). The only reason that Mile 8 was slower was because I had to go over this metal overpass and I was really scared about slipping and hurting myself, so I essentially fast walked instead. The first 5 miles flew by and I am so so so proud of this run. I didn’t even mind the wet feet and mud on my legs. I was too busy smiling 🙂 .
What is your favorite musical? – I would have to say a tie between Chicago and Wicked, although Fiddler On the Roof will always have a place in my heart as well.