Picasso, Figario, Boccaccio

FOOD

Breakfast: Attempt #1 at Carrie’s 10-Minute Voluminous Oats.

Fail. I think that my microwave is a lot stronger than hers is, so I’ll have to work on experimenting with cooking times a bit more to get this right because this batch seemed to be even smaller than the oats I usually make given the same amounts of starting ingredients.

Lunch was eaten partly at home because of class ending early yesterday, but since my quiz had been a surprise there’s no picture. Tofurkey, soy cheese, spinach, hummus, and balsamic dressing sandwich with trail mix and a plum on the side.

Dinner included another Green Monster. Today was really nice out and hot so I craved something cold, plus I’m still obsessing over fruit and need to get some veggies in somehow!

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LIFE

Mission Stop-Counting-Calories Update:

Week 1

I’m going to admit it. I have “slipped up” almost every day. Without that control that I had from meticulously measuring and counting everything out, I have definitely participated in some very not “normal” eating behaviors that I’m not all together proud of. But you know what? I didn’t allow myself to compensate for these actions. I did not restrict the next day or chastise myself for eating far too much (not just for an ED patient, but for any person).

I don’t know about other ED-sufferers, but for me, when I allow myself that freedom I tend to go overboard and binge, or what I consider a binge. These first days have been the hardest, because my body hasn’t realized yet that I’m not going to keep food from it and it’s okay to not eat that entire container in one day. I keep telling myself that my body will adjust and be able to tell my mind that it has had enough in the near future when that switch flips that, “yes, my owner will feed me and I don’t need to stock up in case she doesn’t eat for a little while”. I’m hopeful that the next week will be much smoother and “normal”. I keep going back and forth about whether I should stop having “trigger” foods around the house for the time being, but I think, in the long run, I need to keep them around, even if that means that I’ll “binge” for the time being. If I keep labeling these foods as something that I need to be “careful” around, then they will still have power over me and as soon as I let them back into my diet I will just lose control then as opposed to now.

When my body asked for food, I fed it; regardless of the time. Yes, this did mean that I had more IBS issues because I could not always take medication with my food at the same time due to pill timing. So, I have been in a bit more intestinal distress this week than usual because of it, but nothing besides discomfort (i.e. no hospital room or urgent care visits).

As far as my weight goes, yes, it has increased, a little, but not much and I don’t know how much of it can be attributed to my self-challenge and how much is just my natural weight cycle that I seem to go through in relation to my menses. I guess that this is what I wanted though. A gradual increase in weight. This is definitely not going to be like the 30-pounds-in-3-months that I had to gain during IP, nor do I want it to be. I want to be happy with my body every step of the way rather than to go through another drastic transformation that leaves me despising my own skin. I’m not in love with my weight gain, but I’ve accepted it and I’m happy with the way that I feel right now, which I think has contributed to me not compensating.

My goal for the past few months has been to get back up to my racing weight by my half marathon in September. That is still my goal. Heck, just getting my weight back up to donating requirements is on my goal list as well. I’m on my way; slowly. This summer is all about getting me there; to a place where I’m happy mentally and physically.

My focus for the next week will be on slowing down when I eat. I tend to kind of inhale my food without much chewing, which is bad for a lot of reasons not the least of which being that chewing is important in aiding in digestion which I already have enough problems with to begin with.

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I didn’t end up seeing my friend yesterday, but there are talks of trying to get together some time tomorrow instead. We’ll see how this works out. She is only here for a short time to interview for a summer internship and has been trying to see a bunch of other people besides me while she’s in town. I won’t feel too bad if things don’t work out. I would feel worse if it’s like my current friends who live here year-round and still can’t see to be able to meet up with me ever.

Today was Day #1 of the two-day Art Festival here in town. This thing really draws a crowd every year. It’s insane how busy the city gets. Entire streets are shut-down, in some places even days before the festival itself even starts. Traffic gets a little crazy around here this time of year!

Lyle got here a little after lunch time and we just hung out. I can’t believe it’s already been a week since he started his internship and moved away! I’m so glad that he was able to drive down for the night, though, and spend some time with me for my birthday. We took a walk and had some Mediterranean for dinner from a “new” place in town (as in neither of us had eaten there before). It was only alright. I don’t think I’d go back again for another meal given the choice though.

Now it’s time to hunker down for the Rapture and watch a Harry Potter marathon… Or go to a Rapture party. It’ll be one or the other. See ya on the other side! Or tomorrow. Just over 24 hours until I’m the big 2-0. Okay, that’s not really a very big deal, but it does mean that I’ll have escaped teen pregnancy!

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FITNESS

Yup, Gwen was not being very cooperative today and decided to lose signal a couple of times, so I’m not sure how far exactly I ran today (which really bums me out!), but it was at least this much. I had planned on just 7 originally, but I really wanted to push for 8. Unfortunately, right at the end I got a massive cramp. I tried to see if I could run it out, but it just was not going to happen so I stopped right away. Not bad considering that it was so hot out, so, overall I’m happy.

Mile 1: 8:44
Mile 2: 8:19
Mile 3: 8:07
Mile 4: 8:07
Mile 5: 8:10
Mile 6: 8:22
Mile 7: 8:00
Mile 7.6: 4:58
Total: 1:02:47

No shin or foot pain like I was having earlier this week, yay!

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What is your favorite post-workout fuel?

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9 thoughts on “Picasso, Figario, Boccaccio

  1. When I stopped counting or when I was able to let myself indulge in something that I hadn’t eaten in forever, I too had a “binge” moment, on more than one occasion. I can’t magically make you get over it, but I can say, from experience, that once you start to let yourself have some of the restricted foods, you really don’t want them anymore. I used to love Butterfingers. I got one for Easter. I ate half of it, decided that the only part of it I like was the inside and the cheap chocolate tasted horrible, and I got past it.

    I also feel that I “binge” when I have a massive bowl of fruit, granola and yogurt, but my guess is that my body wants / needs the fuel that I wasn’t able to provide it earlier in the day.

    I know this comment is going in circles fast, but I just want to let you know there is a brighter side and things look so much better once you can put counting / writing behind you. If you want to discuss trigger foods or just anything in general about getting over it, I would be more than happy to chat via e-mail or something and try my best to help you over the hump.

    Happy early birthday by the way, just incase our internet goes out again or we all die tonight and I don’t get to say it tomorrow. 😉

    • It’s weird. I haven’t deprived myself of anything during this time. Nut butters for some reason have always been my trigger food, though. I’ve “allowed” myself multiple servings every day, just I’ve always measured it. The only difference now is that I’m not measuring but it’s still a trigger food. I have a slight granola/trail mix problem too, but a lot less than nut butter jars.

      I kicked ED’s butt today though and bought a brand new jar of my favorite flavor of pb. TAKE THAT!

      I know that this is just part of the process, because a similar thing happened to me the last time I went through recovery. On those days where I decided “f#$* it, I’m going to eat whatever I want”. The current episodes are MUCH less than those because I haven’t been restricting or depriving, which I’m grateful for.

      You didn’t go in circles at all! And I’m always thankful for those who share their own experiences. It makes me feel more “normal” and “human” I guess.

      And if we die tonight my struggle won’t matter anyway, but yay for birthdays. By the way: my internet totally went out once tonight already. Y2K anyone?

  2. I totally know what it’s like to tell your body “calm down there mrs. Garbage disposal, you are getting another meal in a few hours!”. Even if it is all healthy, I can just get so so so hungry and get a little crazy lol. After workouts, I’m either not hungry at all, or I’m starving!!! When I’m starving, I get at that fruit like nobody’s business.

  3. I inhale my food too – it’s a Wood family cure, we all eat like soldiers in boot camp. I think we got it from my dad.

    My hardest time of day is when I get home from work… it is hard for me not to just devour loads of food at that time.

    Keep pressing on!

  4. Any accomplishment is a big one, so just the fact that you are making efforts towards stopping counting is amazing. Please do not get discouraged! I know it is so tough and it is really scary to trust your body but in the long run it WILL pay off you just have to keep pushing yourself! I keep lots of quotes around that motivate me and one of them is “Staying safe means staying stuck.” The more I revert to safety behaviors the more I am stuck in this unhealthy pattern. Keep up the good work love!

    • “If you don’t push your limits, you will never grow.” I really think that this applies so much here.
      Changing habits isn’t easy, ask any smoker or drug addict and they will tell you the same. Disordered eating can be an addiction just as much as an actual drug/chemical can be, although those who haven’t gone through it may disagree.
      So, I’m pushing my limits and I will continue to push them until the limits no longer exist… and I’m free.

  5. Not counting calories is tough – well anything outside your comfort zone is tough!
    Keep going!! 😀

    I like green monsters as a post fuel workout. My doc says I need to have orange juice and some protein powder after I run so my smoothies usually involve those two things.

  6. It sounds like you are doing great with your recovery. Even if you’re not perfect 100% of the time, you know what it is you need to be doing, and you are able to “forgive” yourself for mistakes instead of depriving your body. Keep it up!!

    • Thank you so much for the encouragement!
      I want this to be as real as possible for those who follow me or read my blog.
      Change isn’t pretty and I don’t want to falsely lead anyone into thinking that it will be easy or clean. It’s messy, and for many it is definitely not linear, but if I help someone (myself included!) then I know it’s worth it.
      I truly believe that exercise has been an integral part in my recovery thus far.
      The old me would definitely have deprived myself to “make up for” shortcomings and slip-ups, but the new me has a goal in mind: I want to run a half marathon. Whenever I want to deprive myself, I just think “How will this affect my training?” and the guild dissipates. I can’t train effectively without fueling, and deprivation = running on empty.

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