Running: 1;; Emotions: 2

Thanks again to Peas and Crayons for this weekly event that brings hundreds of bloggers together from all over the world…

GM topped with maple pecan granola, raisins, and chia seeds.

Unfortunately, unlike my last post, the bad far outweighs the good in these past few days. I have had zero motivation to blog and photograph, although I still find joy in reading and appreciating all of you guys and the posts and photos that you do.

Pretty much, the only good thing that has happened in the past week is me getting a good grade on my first Psychology exam.

Leftover Mama Pea Zucchini Quinoa Lasagna.

If you follow me on Twitter, then you know that yesterday I had a very hard time.

Remember that picture I posted of myself sprinting to the finish line at my 10K last month? Well, I put it as my profile picture on Facebook because I was really proud of my performance in that race.

Well, a guy that I’ve known since high school, and now go to college with and hung out with a lot freshman year, decided to message me today that I should change my profile picture immediately because it’s not attractive. Did I mention that I kind of had a thing with this guy freshman year, too?

As you can imagine, that crushed me. Yes, I know that it’s just Facebook and that it shouldn’t matter, but this was from a guy that, at one point, meant a lot to me and who I thought had turned into at least an okay person (definitely not the greatest, but still I give people the benefit of the doubt).

Yogurt mess with raw oats, Kashi GoLean, apricot preserves, and frozen blueberries.

This guy knows that I struggle with my self-esteem and self-image. His comment just made me completely break down. I felt like that little girl way back in the third grade that was crying alone in her bedroom the day that she found out that she had to wear glasses from that day on (it was a big deal at the time, no one else wore glasses yet). This extends way beyond me and my anorexia, which obviously compounds this issue immensely. I’ve finally come to realize that I’ve struggled with the way I look since the third grade. Since I was eight years old!

And, so, I cried. I of course had to say something because I just didn’t want to give him more power than I already had by allowing him to get to me. I said that he was being shallow and that I posted that picture and not an edited-the-crap-out-of-so-I-look-fake-and-perfect picture because of what it represents to me. Of how much I’ve grown mentally and physically. I was so proud that day. I beat my goal time and got second on my age group; finishing in the top 100 runners. Hard work isn’t pretty. And here he was not understanding any of that and just focusing on the fact that after running 6.1 miles and sprinting for all my life was worth for the last 0.1 I didn’t look hot when the photographer went “click”.

The worst part is, even though he isn’t really a part of my life anymore, and I’m now with the man of my dreams who I think genuinely wants to spend the rest of his life with me (and I with him) and would love me even if I was a leper, I can’t let it go. I can’t forget it. I can’t let myself move on. And I hate myself for that. Despite how far I’ve come my mind is still so messed up and can’t handle a direct assault like that.

I don’t know what to do…

GM with raisins, hemp granola, chia seeds, and peanut butter with flaxseeds.

I don’t know how to come back from this. I can’t rebound. At first I cried; of course I cried. When you’re sad you cry. Then I got angry, so, I decided to run. And run I did, despite it being the heat of the day, because if I didn’t get out of the house I felt like I honestly would have started throwing and breaking things. It helped for a little bit, but now here I am again back in my little ball crying. And it makes me feel like a child.

Apologies for possible the most depressing WIAW post ever. I hate how the two events had to coincide, but I just can’t force myself to make a fake-happy post just for the purpose of WIAW. This is still a blog about me. My life. My recovery. Food takes a back seat to what’s going on on the insidejust as it always should.

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17 thoughts on “Running: 1;; Emotions: 2

  1. Well.. if it makes you feel any better, I got glasses when I was 4 or 5. As did my brother!
    A friend said to me once, “Nobody will care what you look like.. and the ones who do, don’t matter.” It’s a simple statement, but it’s true. Like you said, your boyfriend doesn’t care if you look sexy at the end of a race and you felt proud and accomplished in that moment. That is what matters.

  2. Aww feel better hun. Don’t let negative people get ya. People like that have their own personal issues and they feel the need to bring down others to make themselves feel better. Remember, years from now none of us will be remembered for what we look like or what clothes we wore or how our hair looked….we will be remembered for our actions and our impact on the world. So the best way you can combatt this negativity is to do something positive for someone else. 🙂

  3. That was completely out of line for him to say that kind of thing to you. I’m so sorry you have had to deal with this.
    I’ve often been made fun of for my height/shyness/awkwardness and some of the comments made at me I still don’t think I’ve completely recovered from.
    But those are the kind of people in life that don’t matter. Hell, the people that make those stupid comments are the ones who need to tear other people down to make themselves feel better.
    You are strong girl and you will get passed this! ❤

  4. Hello dear,

    It makes me sad that you are so down. That guy? Who needs him. He is obviously blind because he can’t see an incredible picture when he sees one — you just rocked out a 10K, girl! and that is fabulous. you are strong and that picture shows it. i’d like to see him run. how dare he attack you like that, especially when he knows that you are sensitive about yourself.

    Don’t let him get to you. That only means that you are letting him win. And in my opinion, he is losing. a lot. you are miles and miles above him.

    Focus on what matters. You have a wonderful guy in your life who loves you and lets you know it. You can run like nobody’s business. And you are working to have a healthier outlook on life and about yourself. And that is what matters.Take care! ❤

  5. He is just being mean, no use! Obvi. he has his own problems. And you have major ones too… you let it get to you cuz it hurt you, but in in a year from now you will prob not remember or care. It does not define you as a person if one guy thinks a running picture is pretty or not. Try to step back from YOU for a minute and think, a homeless child, caner patient, or someone being abused could only wish for that to big the major issue of sadness in their life. Not to say you don’t deserve to be upset, but in the long run of life it just wont matter. Redirect your focus, you can see beauty, listen to great things, taste delicious food, etc. – not everyone can and we often take little things for granted. Chin up!

  6. I think it’s completely unfair for him to say that, and sure you don’t look like a beauty queen but you look STRONG and WHAT your body is doing is infinitely more important and better than how you look. You look tired, yes. You look beautiful and strong though.

    And do NOT hate yourself for being upset. Accept that it upsets you; it would upset most people. Security and self-acceptance is a hard, uphill battle that you are still fighting (as most of us are). He was once an important part of your life; it makes sense that it would bother you.
    I don’t really know what else to tell you but I’m sending you cyber-hugs and you can rest assured that for that ONE nay-sayer who appears to have highly questionable judgment (I mean really, who SAYS that), you have tons of supporters who can see how beautiful and strong you truly are.

    lots of love,
    n

  7. My gaw, that guys a prick(it had to be said!)!
    I thought that was an awesome pic!
    Like to see how he looks after running a race.
    Please ignore that comment- it or him are not worth acknowledging.
    Xxx

  8. Eerrr, what a loser! Seriously, dont let it get to you! I know that is easier said than done, but keep fighting it!!
    I really hate when people say un-nice things. Why cant they just either say something nice, or leave it! I guess that huy was just joking, but still.. not cool!

    Take care!

  9. aww i hope you feel better! Don’t let mean/stupid comments upset you- I know they can hurt but try to think past it. HE is probably just insecure so HE probably felt like putting you down to make himself feel better. That is the only reason for meanness,To make yourself feel better out of selfishness/ and being extremely rude.

  10. HE SUCKS. I know it’s far from being that simple. I’ve been hurt similarly before and there’s no remedy. Perspective comes with time. Let yourself feel how you feel, and then resolve to not let him get the best of you. You’re strong and powerful. He sucks if he doesn’t see that.

  11. what a douche! Finishing a race is GORGEOUS! Our bodies were MADE for activity like that…. not for sitting around all dolled up! ack! I want to give that boy a piece of my mind!

    please don’t let that bring you down girl. you’re 100000x better than that and you know it… though I understand. I would have bawled too – its totally how I roll. but just know you’re wonderful. i heart you!

  12. What a total JERK. I’m glad you responded. I know it sucks when someone’s words can really hurt, especially when you don’t want that person’s opinion to even MEAN anything, but it just sucks.

    At least you know you’re better than that! We’re behind you all the way 🙂

    And your eats look awesome!

  13. awe hun ! I am sorry about what that guy said! You are beautiful no matter what! ❤ Beauty comes from within.. and you are both internally and exteranly gorgeous!
    Your eats look delicious! and I love your blog !

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