I’ve been reluctant to write new posts lately.
As you know, I gave up calorie counting and food measuring a few weeks ago (on the 13th I think?). While I have continued to not count calories since then, I feel that my eating has been out of control. Not that eating is bad, but the way that I’m eating and the feelings and atmosphere around it are bad. Couple this with me being around and then on my menses and it’s a recipe for disaster.
I need help. But the one person that could possibly help me right now, my mother (aka my roommate) is far too timid and reserved to be able to help me or do what I need her to do for me. I don’t know what to do. This is not something that a “professional” or doctor can help me with. This is in my own home.
I don’t know how many of you know this, but I don’t have a stellar support system over here. It’s good when things are going well, but when things get hard I’m pretty much on my own and have to find out how to deal with and fix it by myself without so much as a comforting embrace.
I’m okay with gaining weight. I need to gain weight. What I’m not okay with is what has been happening; which is rapid weight gain as a result of uncontrolled eating. I still would not term this “binge” eating, because I’ve gone through that before as a result of my last recovery period. But, it’s still far outside of “normal eating” behaviors.
Not only has this been damaging me psychologically, but physically as well. My digestion is completely screwed up, and with my IBS that is downright dangerous. I’ve had to be hospitalized many times because of things like this happening to me.
I worked so hard to get my body into a rhythm, a routine, and now that’s all gone and my body feels like crap. Literally. I don’t feel good when I wake up and I don’t feel good when I go to sleep at night. I’m scared to be back where I was last fall; in and out of Emergency Rooms and Urgent Care facilities and screaming in pain and in tears every day. Not able to sit-up, let alone do something I love like run.
I’m usually okay when it comes to breakfast, and as long as I’m on campus I’m usually okay during the day because I’m busy focusing on other things. It’s when I’m at home, like in the evenings and on weekends, where I feel that I’ve lost the control that I had even just a few weeks ago when I was home 24/7 on my week off between finals and summer classes starting.
So, now that I’ve given up the calorie counting, my next goal is to work on intuitive eating and eating more on a regular schedule. Not so strict that it’s “It’s 5:37pm I have to eat dinner right now“, but in the sense that “I just ate an hour ago, I should probably wait a while before eating again so that my medications won’t be screwed up”.
I’m tired of “screwing up” and I’m tired of not liking myself both inside and out. I wanted to do this recovery my way for a reason (the other way didn’t work) and I’m just sort of seeing it slip away. I’m taking the time right now to post this so that you’ll support me and so that I have something to look back on to motivate me when things get hard. I know that if things continue going the way that they have been for the past few days/the past week that I will regress and go back to counting calories (and thus probably eating too little).
I don’t want to backslide.
I believe that once I finally get the hang of intuitive eating then I will finally be able to give up my dependence on the scale and my “need” to weight myself every day. Baby steps, although these are far from being baby steps. These are mondo-huge monster steps that even Godzilla would shrink in fear after seeing.
May Highlights:
– Ran 81 miles, including my longest run to date
– Gave up counting calories
– Got on the Dean’s List
– Began participating in WIAW
– “Celebrated” my 20th birthday
June Goals:
– Complete my 10K race in under 60:00 (although just being able to finish would be great)
– Work on intuitive eating
– Continue to not count calories/measure food
– Ace my classes this semester (semester ends at the end of June)
– Incorporate more cross training into my training schedule (aiming for 1 day yoga, 2 days strength, 3 days running – 1 long, 1 medium, 1 short, and then 1 day for rest)
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Some other posts from around the blogosphere:
“calorie counter – kind of.” – Clean Eating Chelsey
“The Vicious Cycle” – Trying to Heal
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Don’t forget to enter my Clif/LUNA bar giveaway here! LAST DAY to enter!
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Do you have a good support system at home/where you live?
What are your June Goals?
Ellen Ratliff 